Don't Be In A Hurry. It Takes Time to Heal.

There is a period of one to two earth years that humans are to refrain from making big decisions. It’s because you don’t always make the best decisions when you are grieving. Those who make decisions in haste often live to regret them. You must move through the time of suffering, strengthening your faith and being willing to grow through the grief in order to be able to see things differently. As you grow, your blind faith will continue to open your eyes. You will see everything in a whole new light when you come out the other side of grief. 

Then you will be able to make very good decisions for yourself, better than ever, because of what you learned.

"Jack McAfghan: Return from Rainbow Bridge"

Anger Is Part of Grief

Who has been the source of your anger? 

Yourself? 

Do you blame yourself? 

The vet? 

The people around you who seem not to care? 

God? 

Anger is a part of the grief process and it can be very scary, especially if you were never allowed or encouraged to express anger. 

Feel it. Heal it. Let it go. 

My book will show you how. 

http://amzn.to/2ipa4zE

The One Thing That Keeps You Stuck in the Grief

Dear Jack: 

The hardest thing I'm dealing with right now is my guilt. I have lost people in my life, including my best human friend and my mother. Losing my Heart and Soul pet has hit me harder than anything and I miss him more than anyone ever and that is why I feel guilty. I've never admitted this to anyone other than a total stranger I happened to walk into at a doctors appt. who admitted the same thing after telling her about my best friend.

Sincerely,

Lost in Guilt

Dear Lost, 

You are no longer lost because the moment you realize what is holding you back, is the moment you can begin to move forward. It is part of the Acceptance process. 

During our years of working hospice we found that guilt is the #1 grief issue 90% of the time. Have you read my book yet because we address this in detail. That's one of the reasons we wrote my first book. Kate was riddled with guilt. She was stuck in the guilt of grief for six months or more. When you finally accept that guilt in unnecessary, you will emerge from the depths of the darkness, You find out that you are free and you realize that there is plenty of hope for healing and living a normal life again. A better than normal life for what we have taught you by our leaving. 

Guilt is all so unnecessary. Did you know that guilt doesn't even exist except in your own mind? But that might be too much for you to process right now. Please if you haven't already, get my book and let me comfort you on this topic. I will bring your best friend to you and release you both from the chains of guilt. In about 3-4 hours you can be in a totally different place. Please don't be afraid to go there. Your pet's world will open up when yours does. You are both connected and your grief impacts him. Now don't feel guilty about that too! It's a normal and human part of the process. 

Learn about it. Do it for you and do it for your best friend.

Our books are available on Amazon Worldwide. Click here to view my page on Amazon.com!

Love,

Jack

One Year Ago She Set Me Free

It's been just a year since she was able to release me to be free; six months after I crossed Rainbow Bridge. The moment she freed me, she found immediate relief. So did I. 

She still misses me and sheds plenty of tears. Humans are so full of tears. There must be a storehouse in there! Some day I am going to write about the nature of tears. They are fascinating to me. Not all tears are alike and I have witnessed her tears of grief change over time. They used to fall, small and sharp and hard and fast, and now they are big, heavy and slow. Sometimes when they fall, she is smiling too.  I am waiting for the day she can smile without tears. That will be true freedom for both of us.  

She's having an especially tough day today. Who knows the reason why one day is harder than another. It is what it is. It's been 12 months since she released me from the prison of her clinging grasp. I caught her in a quiet moment on the trail that day and she was able to hear my voice. I spoke to her through the depths of her heart. 

The following day she scattered the ashes, singing: "Fly Free Little Boy. Fly Free!"  Oh it was music to my ears!  Now I can be around her and not be unhappy. I can be proud of her and I can love her without her fears and tears blinding her to my presence. Now we can continue to learn together and grow together in a whole new way. 

When we cross Rainbow Bridge we simply move into another layer of life. We are no further from you than we ever were. We are right there beside you and if you can heal your grief and let your tears subside, you will --- now and then -- be able to see me, hear me, feel me, and receive me into the new life that we are creating together; the life we will live until you join me here. It will be one quick journey through the Rainbow Bridge to the other side of the veil, where all will be revealed.  

In the meantime, keep learning your lessons. You cannot join me until you have graduated from this school of earthly life that has a special program designed just for you.  I was part of it.  I was one of your teachers. There is more to come. You must finish it to qualify for a passage through Rainbow Bridge.  I am so proud of you and can't wait to see you again in a day that will pass in the blink of an eye.  You'll see. I'll be the first one there to meet you at the edge of the bridge.  I never stop loving you. 

What's On Your Heart Today: The Battle Over the Mind

Dear Jack, 

Two months ago today my Teddy was taken. So many thoughts and so much anguish. I know it was already set in motion. I couldn't have done anything to stop it, but still doesn't keep me from thinking I might have jinxed things. 

Last year we were fostering a dog from a rescue and I really wanted to keep her, I went back/forth-told myself we didn't need 3 dogs. Did end up adopting her, and now Teddy is gone, so maybe I really wasn't supposed to have 3 dogs! I have used tanning beds in the past, but early this summer I read a story about a girl with cancer that was enough to make me stop tanning. Someone asked me about it and I said I didn't want to get cancer, so maybe OK not me, but then my dog gets it!?

I seem to be distancing myself from our other 2 dogs. I take care of them, it's not like I"m ignoring them, and I do snuggle on the couch and play with them but on some level I suppose I don't want to go through that heartbreak again by being so consumed by my love for the dog that it hurts this much. I love them of course, but not like I did Teddy. He was MY baby. And I suppose I resent them a little, that they are here and he is not. I know they are grieving for him too, so we all need to be in this together. I truly am usually a sensible person but all this is thinking from my heart and not my head. 

Love,
Olivia 



Dearest Olivia, 

THIS IS NOT COMING FROM YOUR HEART, THIS KIND OF CONFUSION COMES FROM YOUR HEAD. 'I know it was already set in motion,' you say. This is coming from your heart. 'It doesn't keep me from thinking (!) I might have jinxed things.'  This, as you reveal by your words, is coming from your head.

I am not being critical of you, but I must tell you that when things come from your heart they are always clear, loving, accepting of all present past and future. You heart is unconditionally supportive of YOU and any decisions you have made; actions you have taken. This is the spirit us dogs live in every day of our existence. Everything is okay when you live from the love in your heart. 

When I turned 8 years of age, Kate decided to get another dog as a companion for me...but also as a "back up plan" for someday when I crossed over the Rainbow.  Enter Joey.  I had been the only "child" since Grady crossed the Rainbow Bridge in 2009. Now it was 2013. Joey was needy and demanding and jealous. Kate was trying to balance the two of us and, while I was never very demanding, she believed that I was being pushed out. She felt like I felt like I wasn't the priority to her that I was before Joey came into our life. It actually made her resentful of Joey too, for "pushing me out". This, of course, was her MIND at work. She was projecting her feelings onto Joey and me when it was not the case at all.  

Joey and Me -- in that order

When it came time for me to leave,  Kate wondered if I left so that she could "have" Joey all to herself. She felt guilt and shame and blame, thinking that something she did caused me to want to leave her. My leaving her had nothing to do with any of that. Dogs aren't like people. We don't sit around remembering the so-called Good Old Days. We don't think thoughts like: "Gosh, I wish my life was different than the one I'm living." "I wish we didn't have this other dog in the family." "Why can't I be this, do that, go there, have that?" We take things in stride. We accept life and what it brings us at face value and we appreciate everything we have. We are what we are, we live with What Is and we love who we love. Everything is accepted and unconditional. We live in The Moment all the time. 

My Favorite Spot --
She Always Thought I Was Thinking About Stuff (because that's what she'd be doing if she were me)
but I was just watching and living fully in the moment. 

Please honor your remaining dogs by letting go of this guilt and shame and making room for the love and compassion in your heart that you have for them. The love is there, but your own feelings cloud your relationship with them right now. They may not be your Heart and Soul dogs, but they are yours and they love you and they need to know you still love them. We are very sensitive to the feelings of the ones we love and, like children, we need to be told what is going on and we need to know that you still love us...even though things are different now. 

It is natural to think about all these things, Olivia. You are only human. What if? How come? Maybe this and maybe that. The fact is, things happened the way they did and you cannot keep beating yourself up about what you might have done or could have done differently. You can only accept things as they are; you cannot turn back the clock. You cannot change the circumstances. You never could change them. They were set in destiny, in the fate of the Rainbow Time Schedule. Even things that might seem to be accidents were pre-destined. You need to love yourself as much as your pet loves you ...and forgive yourself for everything. You are not guilty of anything. 

Nothing Can Change My Love For You

We are not watching you from the Rainbow thinking: "Jeez, if only she hadn't done that!" We are only loving you, accepting you, wanting you to be at peace and free of the thoughts that torment you so that you can live and love again. We think from our hearts and not our heads, we always have, and we want you to do the same. 

Love,
Jack

Max Has Lymphoma. When Do We Decide to Let Him Cross Over?

Dear Friends at Rainbow Bridge, 

I need help. My Max was diagnosed with leukemia and stage 5 lymphoma. Doctors have given him 4 to 8 weeks. Today has been 3 weeks. He is happy and eating well, although he is on prednisone, which makes him hungry and thirsty. At this point we are feeding him anything his little heart wants(for the most part). He is going on walks and car rides and trips to McDonalds. We are spoiling him every minute of the day and we feel blessed to have these last days with him. 

The thing I am worried about is his weight loss. It is bad. He looks like he is starving, yet like I said every day he is happy and eating well. He is still jumping and playing like Boxers do; he looks like he feels good 95% of the time. The other 5% you can tell he is uncomfortable and not feeling well. We asked the doctor if he is in pain and he said, "No." He said it's similar to when we have the flu or some kind of bug - we just feel "blah"

My question is at what point do we decide to let him cross the rainbow bridge? It's heartbreaking to see him turn into a skeleton but I can't imagine letting him cross over with him still showing us he is happy. 

Signed,

Dazed and Confused

Max and Me

Dear Dazed, 

Hi, I'm Ella. I'm filling in for Jack who has been called out on angel assignment today. He specifically asked me to reply to you because he knows I know more about lymphoma than he does. I know about it because I have had it too. 

Every animal is different, I can only talk you through how it was for us. I am an Airedale Terrier and I lived a wonderful life on earth with my heart partner, Lynette. 

Our life changed the day I was diagnosed. Lynette was reading and studying everything she could about lymphoma. When life gets out of control like it did for us, it's important to gather as much information and awareness as possible so you can go into the situation with knowledge and realistic expectations. Even though she was learning a lot, she still spent a lot of time in tears. She didn't really know what to expect because, like I said, every animal is different. She could not be prepared for the fact that she would have me for only a month after diagnosis. 

What I can tell you is that when you love like this, you will know when it is the right time, and when that time comes and you have made that decision, there is a kind of peace that comes with it. You WILL know when the right time is, Max will tell you.

Below is our story as Lynette tells it. I want her to tell it because I'm still not very good with the medical vocabulary.

This is me when I was a little tyke 

Ella was my beloved Airedale; she had been with us from 12 weeks of age, attended our wedding, honeymoon, nannied our two boys, and just after her 12th birthday, I noticed her lymph nodes were enlarged on her back legs. After a biopsy result confirmed our fears, we decided against chemo, and went down the prednisone route. I asked our vet the same questions, and no she wasn't in any pain, but would have days of being tired and lethargic. The tablets increased her hunger and thirst, but I was told when they stopped working, there would be a rapid decline. Ella was arthritic but still enjoyed her walks, right up until two days before we lost her. She loved her food. In fact my last photo was taken the day before she died, waiting for her tea.

We knew the end was near that Friday morning. She usually ate her breakfast first thing. That morning, she didn't get up for the first couple of hours, she did eat some of her food, went outside to do her toilet and came back to her bed. She didn't move and dozed all afternoon. 

We phoned the vet late in the afternoon and made The Appointment for next day, thinking we had that last night with her. However, at about 10pm, she lost control of her bowels. I spent the night lying on the floor with her, telling her how much she was loved, recalling our adventures. Just before sunrise, we called the vet out, and she slipped peacefully away. We watched the most beautiful painted sunrise, which I believe was her way of telling me it was alright. I felt at peace at that moment. We buried her on the hill behind our house, looking down the loch. 

Would I do things differently? Only in that I would have called the vet out the evening before. The decline was so swift. I can only advise if Max is happy in himself, wagging his tail and still eating, let him enjoy himself. If he stops eating, shows no interest in his surroundings, or has prolonged panting (a sign of pain), then think about letting him go.

I miss my girl every day. It will be 5 months tomorrow. I read Kate's book with tears streaming down my face, but it was very cathartic. I am sitting here again with tears streaming down my face.

I wish you and Max a peaceful time together in the coming days. I know you will tell him how loved he is, and how he always will be. 

Love and hugs from Ella and me to you and Max.

I Love You Mom. You Did Everything Right For Us

The One Thing We Can Control at the End of Life

When a human being stops eating due to illness and decline at the end of life, it can often indicate that they are ready to give up the fight. When one is helpless, frail, disabled and infirmed, they must rely on someone else to meet their basic needs. Sometimes the only control one has at this point is to clench the teeth and refuse to eat. 

So many people who are caregivers don't understand this. They force feed or think that the patient is being uncooperative or unreasonable. It is not true in every case, but often the patient is communicating in the only way they know how. Refusing food is the only choice they have. They are saying "Enough Is Enough". 

Us animals often do the same thing. This is one of the clues for you, of knowing when the time is coming to help us on our way. 

Why Does My Mind Keep Replaying the Trauma?

Dear Jack, 
My cat died somewhat suddenly last night. Everything was fine and then it was 45 unanticipated minutes of struggle and racing to the Emergency Animal Hospital. I am trying so hard not to cry today, to celebrate his life rather than to dwell on last night. Why is it that my mind is on constant replay of the horrific way he struggled and passed?  I so want time to hurry up, to be next week or next month so I do not break down. No matter how many one loses it does not seem to get any easier...
Love,
Sue

Dear Sue, 
Please go easy on yourself. You have lost someone near and dear to you. It is totally natural that you would need to shed tears, cry and weep over your loss. If you restrain your tears, it could make you sick. Your tears need to be released.

Remember there are Five Stages of Grief that we travel through when we lose someone.

The "Replay Phenomenon" that we all tend to go through to one extent or another is our mind's natural way of processing trauma and loss. It is natural to replay in your mind the details and circumstances of any kind of trauma that changes your life. Deep in your heart you know what is true. Your mouth speaks the truth, "My cat has died." but you still don't want to believe it. You go over and over and over it in your mind because you are in the stage of denial. Your heart replays the scene for you, for the express purpose of teaching you to accept what has happened. While your heart tries to "rewire" your mind to accept and understand what has happened, your mind keeps looking for a different answer. It doesn't like the truth. Alas you keep getting the same answer; the scene always ends the same way. Every time you see it replaying, you say to yourself, "No. It cannot be true." Replay. Replay. "No." "No". Every time you argue, "No". Much of this you aren't even conscious of. You just know you feel terrible, tired, lost and confused.

The grief process includes this complex defense mechanism of the body's heart and mind. The trauma is simply too much information to process all at once. Just like when you are learning something that is complicated, you need to read it over and over until you understand it. You need to take the course again. You need to watch the video one more time to grasp the lesson. You finally learn. One day, in a time that is not predesigned, you have to admit that, "Yes" it is true. What happened is true and your loved one is gone. They aren't coming back to this place. Once you comprehend this, you can move forward with acceptance in the deepest part of your mind. 

The difficulty arises when you get stuck in the saying, "No, no, no, no..." and "No" becomes a habit. The head and the heart become disconnected. You get stuck in your head and you forget about your heart and what it knows to be true. You make what your head is saying stronger than what your heart is saying. 

Your head is not necessarily your friend. It does not tell you to forgive yourself. Your head will tend to tell you that you are guilty; that you must have done something wrong. When you are stuck in your head, you cannot access the love in your heart that is forgiveness for all (including you) and belief in the love of everything. The heart is your true strength, but your mind thinks that it is the stronger of the two. When you are stuck, the bridge between your head and your heart needs to be reconstructed.

If you are stuck in the replay groove of pain and need to join your head back with your heart, focus on your heart. Give it some attention. Treat it like a very dear friend whom you have neglected. Stop crying for just a little while. Breathe deeply. Clear your mind. Lay your hands upon your heart and feel its strength. Ask it for forgiveness. Ask it to bring you the peace of truth. Some people are in too much pain to be able to quiet their minds to do this. They may need the help of a professional or hospice counselor to get unstuck from the continual replaying of their grief.  

In the meantime, go easy on yourself. Give yourself permission to replay it a few times and then allow yourself to move ahead towards true healing. When you move ahead, you are one step closer to the Rainbow Bridge and one step closer to the one you love who resides there.   

Letting Go Doesn't Come Naturally

All human beings struggle with letting go. You come into this world clinging to nothing and then all of sudden, Daddy's index finger hovers in front of you and you find it and curl your fingers around his. He shakes it to find that you won't let go. It is human nature that makes you do this and, look, already you are human! You learn clinging in your first moments in this brand new world. It is one of the first things you learn -- to find your mother's breast and to cling to Daddy's finger.

You gather childhood things and you turn into an adult who seeks out adult things and experiences. Time passes. Your beloved pets come and go. Your children leave an empty nest. You watch your marathon time get slower as you move into the Master's Division. Over time maybe your eyes, your ears, your taste buds go. One by one the people you love get older and leave. Each one teaches you another lesson in letting go. 

Do you see that your perennial life is designed to shift like the seasons; for everything to come and go? You are supposed to grow through the comings; through the goings. This is one of the reasons us dogs don't live as long as you do. We are gifts for you not only because we love you but because every time you say goodbye, you grow. 

It's all by Design. You will leave this planet too. By the time you do, you hopefully have learned what you need to learn. Your load is light and you are ready to fly. That final trip over the Rainbow, into Heaven or Paradise (however you define the afterlife) is what it's all about. 

Life is the school; love is the lesson.

"It's Time You Got Over It. After All, It Was Just a Dog/Cat/Horse/Fish/Lizard/Rabbit/Gerbil/Bird/Pet"

The distress of grief is very real. Don't let anyone tell you it isn't! Just like you need to recover from an illness or a broken bone, there's a recovery period to heal the wounds of grief. Please be patient with yourself. 

You Can Only Heal What You Can Feel

I'm unhappy to see your Stoic grief.

You can only heal what you can feel. 

When you don't express, it is trapped inside

With no way out. 

It turns into anger; it turns into guilt.

Did you love me? For if you did,

YOU ARE NOT GUILTY of ANYTHING.

As I wait for your smile, I want you to cry;

Setting it free brings you closer to me.

Don't you see? Don't you see?

Set it free. Set me free. Set us free.