What's On Your Heart Today: The Battle Over the Mind

Dear Jack, 

Two months ago today my Teddy was taken. So many thoughts and so much anguish. I know it was already set in motion. I couldn't have done anything to stop it, but still doesn't keep me from thinking I might have jinxed things. 

Last year we were fostering a dog from a rescue and I really wanted to keep her, I went back/forth-told myself we didn't need 3 dogs. Did end up adopting her, and now Teddy is gone, so maybe I really wasn't supposed to have 3 dogs! I have used tanning beds in the past, but early this summer I read a story about a girl with cancer that was enough to make me stop tanning. Someone asked me about it and I said I didn't want to get cancer, so maybe OK not me, but then my dog gets it!?

I seem to be distancing myself from our other 2 dogs. I take care of them, it's not like I"m ignoring them, and I do snuggle on the couch and play with them but on some level I suppose I don't want to go through that heartbreak again by being so consumed by my love for the dog that it hurts this much. I love them of course, but not like I did Teddy. He was MY baby. And I suppose I resent them a little, that they are here and he is not. I know they are grieving for him too, so we all need to be in this together. I truly am usually a sensible person but all this is thinking from my heart and not my head. 

Love,
Olivia 



Dearest Olivia, 

THIS IS NOT COMING FROM YOUR HEART, THIS KIND OF CONFUSION COMES FROM YOUR HEAD. 'I know it was already set in motion,' you say. This is coming from your heart. 'It doesn't keep me from thinking (!) I might have jinxed things.'  This, as you reveal by your words, is coming from your head.

I am not being critical of you, but I must tell you that when things come from your heart they are always clear, loving, accepting of all present past and future. You heart is unconditionally supportive of YOU and any decisions you have made; actions you have taken. This is the spirit us dogs live in every day of our existence. Everything is okay when you live from the love in your heart. 

When I turned 8 years of age, Kate decided to get another dog as a companion for me...but also as a "back up plan" for someday when I crossed over the Rainbow.  Enter Joey.  I had been the only "child" since Grady crossed the Rainbow Bridge in 2009. Now it was 2013. Joey was needy and demanding and jealous. Kate was trying to balance the two of us and, while I was never very demanding, she believed that I was being pushed out. She felt like I felt like I wasn't the priority to her that I was before Joey came into our life. It actually made her resentful of Joey too, for "pushing me out". This, of course, was her MIND at work. She was projecting her feelings onto Joey and me when it was not the case at all.  

Joey and Me -- in that order

When it came time for me to leave,  Kate wondered if I left so that she could "have" Joey all to herself. She felt guilt and shame and blame, thinking that something she did caused me to want to leave her. My leaving her had nothing to do with any of that. Dogs aren't like people. We don't sit around remembering the so-called Good Old Days. We don't think thoughts like: "Gosh, I wish my life was different than the one I'm living." "I wish we didn't have this other dog in the family." "Why can't I be this, do that, go there, have that?" We take things in stride. We accept life and what it brings us at face value and we appreciate everything we have. We are what we are, we live with What Is and we love who we love. Everything is accepted and unconditional. We live in The Moment all the time. 

My Favorite Spot --
She Always Thought I Was Thinking About Stuff (because that's what she'd be doing if she were me)
but I was just watching and living fully in the moment. 

Please honor your remaining dogs by letting go of this guilt and shame and making room for the love and compassion in your heart that you have for them. The love is there, but your own feelings cloud your relationship with them right now. They may not be your Heart and Soul dogs, but they are yours and they love you and they need to know you still love them. We are very sensitive to the feelings of the ones we love and, like children, we need to be told what is going on and we need to know that you still love us...even though things are different now. 

It is natural to think about all these things, Olivia. You are only human. What if? How come? Maybe this and maybe that. The fact is, things happened the way they did and you cannot keep beating yourself up about what you might have done or could have done differently. You can only accept things as they are; you cannot turn back the clock. You cannot change the circumstances. You never could change them. They were set in destiny, in the fate of the Rainbow Time Schedule. Even things that might seem to be accidents were pre-destined. You need to love yourself as much as your pet loves you ...and forgive yourself for everything. You are not guilty of anything. 

Nothing Can Change My Love For You

We are not watching you from the Rainbow thinking: "Jeez, if only she hadn't done that!" We are only loving you, accepting you, wanting you to be at peace and free of the thoughts that torment you so that you can live and love again. We think from our hearts and not our heads, we always have, and we want you to do the same. 

Love,
Jack

Why Does My Mind Keep Replaying the Trauma?

Dear Jack, 
My cat died somewhat suddenly last night. Everything was fine and then it was 45 unanticipated minutes of struggle and racing to the Emergency Animal Hospital. I am trying so hard not to cry today, to celebrate his life rather than to dwell on last night. Why is it that my mind is on constant replay of the horrific way he struggled and passed?  I so want time to hurry up, to be next week or next month so I do not break down. No matter how many one loses it does not seem to get any easier...
Love,
Sue

Dear Sue, 
Please go easy on yourself. You have lost someone near and dear to you. It is totally natural that you would need to shed tears, cry and weep over your loss. If you restrain your tears, it could make you sick. Your tears need to be released.

Remember there are Five Stages of Grief that we travel through when we lose someone.

The "Replay Phenomenon" that we all tend to go through to one extent or another is our mind's natural way of processing trauma and loss. It is natural to replay in your mind the details and circumstances of any kind of trauma that changes your life. Deep in your heart you know what is true. Your mouth speaks the truth, "My cat has died." but you still don't want to believe it. You go over and over and over it in your mind because you are in the stage of denial. Your heart replays the scene for you, for the express purpose of teaching you to accept what has happened. While your heart tries to "rewire" your mind to accept and understand what has happened, your mind keeps looking for a different answer. It doesn't like the truth. Alas you keep getting the same answer; the scene always ends the same way. Every time you see it replaying, you say to yourself, "No. It cannot be true." Replay. Replay. "No." "No". Every time you argue, "No". Much of this you aren't even conscious of. You just know you feel terrible, tired, lost and confused.

The grief process includes this complex defense mechanism of the body's heart and mind. The trauma is simply too much information to process all at once. Just like when you are learning something that is complicated, you need to read it over and over until you understand it. You need to take the course again. You need to watch the video one more time to grasp the lesson. You finally learn. One day, in a time that is not predesigned, you have to admit that, "Yes" it is true. What happened is true and your loved one is gone. They aren't coming back to this place. Once you comprehend this, you can move forward with acceptance in the deepest part of your mind. 

The difficulty arises when you get stuck in the saying, "No, no, no, no..." and "No" becomes a habit. The head and the heart become disconnected. You get stuck in your head and you forget about your heart and what it knows to be true. You make what your head is saying stronger than what your heart is saying. 

Your head is not necessarily your friend. It does not tell you to forgive yourself. Your head will tend to tell you that you are guilty; that you must have done something wrong. When you are stuck in your head, you cannot access the love in your heart that is forgiveness for all (including you) and belief in the love of everything. The heart is your true strength, but your mind thinks that it is the stronger of the two. When you are stuck, the bridge between your head and your heart needs to be reconstructed.

If you are stuck in the replay groove of pain and need to join your head back with your heart, focus on your heart. Give it some attention. Treat it like a very dear friend whom you have neglected. Stop crying for just a little while. Breathe deeply. Clear your mind. Lay your hands upon your heart and feel its strength. Ask it for forgiveness. Ask it to bring you the peace of truth. Some people are in too much pain to be able to quiet their minds to do this. They may need the help of a professional or hospice counselor to get unstuck from the continual replaying of their grief.  

In the meantime, go easy on yourself. Give yourself permission to replay it a few times and then allow yourself to move ahead towards true healing. When you move ahead, you are one step closer to the Rainbow Bridge and one step closer to the one you love who resides there.