DO YOU HAVE FEELINGS OF GUILT? YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Kate suffers from it too. In fact, most human beings do! She posted this on my support group page and it generated quite a bit of dialogue and thought:
"I keep seeing the guilt that keeps running amuck in our lives. I experienced some more of it today. We all LOVE LOVE LOVE-ed our best friends. I loved Jack more than I loved myself! I put his needs before mine (except for my having to go to work to pay for the things we needed...and I felt guilty about that too). He ate better than I did! Now that I have Immy and Joey, we are walking many miles each day -- morning, noon and nighttime too. It is more than I ever walked with Jack. Today we were out on our two mile morning walk and I found myself crying again. "Maybe," I said, "just maybe if I had walked Jack more, he'd still be here."
We cannot beat ourselves up. I have to tell myself that if he were alive today, he might have to endure a worse fate -- like becoming old and crippled into his senior years. He never had the chance. Instead of declining for months and years, he went with dignity in a matter of days.
Someday I hope I can look back on this -- after I have completely healed -- and know that it was perfect and By Design. We can only do what we can do."
I know it doesn't seem this way, but pain and suffering are the choices we make. We feel victimized by our loss. We feel out of control. When we finally begin to heal, we can choose a better thought. We know what it is like to watch our best friend suffer. Your best friend does not want to watch you suffer either.