Don't Be In A Hurry. It Takes Time to Heal.

There is a period of one to two earth years that humans are to refrain from making big decisions. It’s because you don’t always make the best decisions when you are grieving. Those who make decisions in haste often live to regret them. You must move through the time of suffering, strengthening your faith and being willing to grow through the grief in order to be able to see things differently. As you grow, your blind faith will continue to open your eyes. You will see everything in a whole new light when you come out the other side of grief. 

Then you will be able to make very good decisions for yourself, better than ever, because of what you learned.

"Jack McAfghan: Return from Rainbow Bridge"

Write a Letter to Jack

You can ask me anything. I have been here at Rainbow Bridge for awhile now; reunited with my soul family and I am happy to share with you what I know. There are a few questions that must be left unanswered because if you knew the answers they would impact the way you live and this would change your destiny. Any question is a good question, so feel free to ask. There are no silly questions and there is always an answer. 

The most important thing you must remember is that if a friend or loved one has crossed the Bridge and you are sad and longing to be with them again, YOU MUST LIVE OUT YOUR LIFE ON EARTH AND LEARN THE LESSONS YOU NEED TO LEARN BEFORE YOU CAN CROSS THE BRIDGE TOO. You must grow from your life and your love and your loss. I know it's hard. That's why I'm here. If you struggle with loss, tell me about it and we'll walk you through it with love, compassion and understanding. 

Join my Pet Loss Group on Facebook, Follow my Facebook Fan Page and get daily inspiration and support.  More importantly read my book, "Jack McAfghan: Reflections on Life with my Master" by Kate McGahan. Available at Amazon.com in Print, Large Print and on Kindle. It will answer questions you did not know you even had.  In just a few short hours you can be on the road to healing.  
Love, 
Jack

To write your letter, go to "Write A Letter To Jack" on the righthand side of my Home Page and I will answer you upon receiving it. When you write it you give me permission to reprint it if I believe it will help others. If you are a private person and you don't want me to use your name or your pet's name, just let me know that and we will disguise your identity. 

GUEST CONTRIBUTOR: "Things Come in Threes" by Laurie Eberle O'Brien

WRIGLEY

It is often said that sometimes things come in three's. I have witnessed that to happen, but did not pay that close of attention to it until I realized it has happened to me. As I reflect back to 15 years ago, it is hard to believe that it has been that long since we welcomed our first dog into our home. I grew up with them off and on, but did not have much of an interest in having one of my own. Fast forward to 2001 when our son was 12 and we had already been married for 20 years. 

I will always remember when we told him that we were "just going to look." Ha! Not only did we bring home an 8 week old, five pound bundle of fur, we brought home something that we had no idea could bring us so much joy and love for almost 15 years. 

Wrigley, you defined love. Pure and simple. There will NEVER be another you. You taught our family more than I can ever express to anyone. Your sweet disposition was infectious. The fun we had with you, the laughs you gave us, and the joy you brought to our lives cannot be measured in words. 

WRIGLEY

Your last couple of years were a challenge, as you battled seizures,Cushing's disease, and a myriad of other issues. But you refused to give up. You fought some very big battles being the warrior that you were. But in May, I knew you were getting tired and that's when we had to face the hardest decision of our lives. We did not want to let you cross. Your eyes were what told us. You were ready and as you passed in my arms, it was the hardest day of my life. My heart will never be the same. 

The house was too quiet. I did not want to go through that pain again, but God knew better. He knew our hearts. We decided to rescue this time. Dexter was your twin, Wrigley. But the difference was he was 9 and had a hard hard life. We were going turn that around for how ever many years he had left. We fell hard. I was thinking he would feel right at home....right away. How was I to know it would not be so quick? For 30 hours he did not move off of the couch, did not eat or drink and cowered as we approached him, even as lovingly as we did.

DEXTER

I finally got him to go for a walk at midnight. It had stormed that night and he clearly was apprehensive of our walk, sitting down every few steps as if he was asking permission. We were so ready to love him and teach him that our love for him would be as unconditional as his would be for us. I came back into the garage and as I praised him and unleashed him, he bolted. He grew wings as he ran, and I did not have those same wings to catch him. We searched but it was an unusually black night and it was as though he disappeared. He was found the next morning less than a quarter of a mile from home. He had been killed by a car. If only he would have trusted us. But why should he have? No one ever had given him reason to trust so he took the opportunity to run, and run he did. The wound was ripped right open again. The guilt has not left me. 

It was right after that I saw Jack's book offer on FB. I read it in almost one sitting and literally soaked paper towels as I read. What an incredible couple of hours that was. It touched me more than any dog book I have ever read and I read ALOT. Wow wow wow is almost all I could say in my review on Amazon. What an incredible way to tell a story full of so much love and wisdom, that it's almost palatable. What a find!!!! Coincidence? Fate? Luck?

Well, shortly after that I got a message that a friend of mine's sister runs a pet store and had a customer looking for a home for her daughter's dog. She could not care for her any more. She wasn't good with children (as they teased her) and she needed an adult home. Would I be interested? I did not give myself time to think about it and I know that Wrigley and Dexter had a hand in this. 

We welcomed her into our home in mid September and have never looked back. A white fluff ball whom we affectionally renamed "Kate." Our first and only "daughter" and little sister to our boys. I have to think that we have to crawl before we walk, that God promises a safe landing, but not always a calm passage. We are loving her more and more every day. Is it with the intensity that we did for Wrigley? No, and it may never be. Those are big "paws" to fill, but we don't expect her to fill them. They are too big for her and she doesn't have to for us anyway. 

KATE

So as we begin to heal, we want to believe that Kate was brought into our lives to help us do just that. She sure has her own little personality and sweetness about her. One thing we do know is that Wrigley taught us more about life than most people can even begin to teach us. He knows we have plenty of room in our hearts and so many more of his brothers and sisters need loving homes for the rest of their days.....no matter how limited those may be.

We hope and pray that this "third," as it has come in threes, is with us for many years to come. We do this in honor of our boys, never in place of them.

Thank you to both Kate's (yes, she was named after our one and only!) for showing us that we can open our hearts and love again. There is no reason not to.

Story submitted by Laurie Eberle O'Brien

Author Kate McGahan (L) and guest contributor Laurie O'Brien (R) in September 2015
Poco Diablo Resort, Sedona Arizona 

You Can't Replace Me, You Don't Have To

Dear Kate, 

You can't replace me, but you can bring in a new kind of love. 

You've had her now for several months. 

You see her healing. 

You feel yourself healing too. 

It has taken this long for you to trust each other. 

She no longer runs from you. 
She now comes to you seeking love... 

Seeking the new level of love that I taught you to give. 

You are healed enough now, to give her everything and more. 

But I know. I know you still love me. 

I still see you cry when you don't think you have everything...

But you do. You have her. You have me. 

You do have everything.

Love, 

Jack

Dear Jack: Who Can I Turn To? No One Cares for Me

Dear Jack, 

Since my dear girl left me I've been very sick both emotionally and physically. Life has no more meaning to me because my sweet girl was my life and I feel so lost without her!!  I'm very very depressed and sick please help me. I need to know that someone cares for me.

Betsy

Dear Betsy, 

     You have written me many times and, despite my sensitive recommendations and encouragement, your pain and suffering continue. 
     Maybe you are looking for support in the wrong places. Many humans are very surprised when their old friends and family members don't understand or honor their grief. They need the love and care and it just isn't there. It's not that they don't care; it's that they don't really understand the level of grief and love experienced with a Heart and Soul pet. This is why it is good to seek out a support group like mine and become acquainted with similar and like-minded others who are grieving too. 

     That aside, do you know who cares the most for you? Do you have faith? Do you know that God is taking very good care of your little girl? He is taking good care of you too, but you can't seem to see that now. These times are designed to take us to the very bottom of depression and loneliness so that we become desperate enough to turn to Him. Most of us forget Him most of the rest of the time! Kate learned this and many other people are learning this too.

     What do people do without faith?  Kate has it now. She hit bottom when she lost me and her father the same day. She felt she had no one to turn to and when you have no one, you turn around and there He is. He is waiting for you! God is ALWAYS there.  24/7. He is waiting for you to ask HIM for help and it's my responsibility now to redirect you to Him. This is how much I care about you. The greatest gift you can possess is that of knowing that God is waiting to comfort you in your time of need and that He is waiting for you to ask Him to do that. 

Go be quiet with yourself. Get in a space where you can have a conversation with God and just see how it goes. I can pretty much guarantee that it won't get worse! Bless you Betsy. You'll get through this and when you learn all you need to learn here on this earth, God will bring you back together again with everyone you ever loved...and if you haven't read my book yet, you need to. This is why we wrote it -- to help people just like you. 

Love,

Jack

Why Does My Mind Keep Replaying the Trauma?

Dear Jack, 
My cat died somewhat suddenly last night. Everything was fine and then it was 45 unanticipated minutes of struggle and racing to the Emergency Animal Hospital. I am trying so hard not to cry today, to celebrate his life rather than to dwell on last night. Why is it that my mind is on constant replay of the horrific way he struggled and passed?  I so want time to hurry up, to be next week or next month so I do not break down. No matter how many one loses it does not seem to get any easier...
Love,
Sue

Dear Sue, 
Please go easy on yourself. You have lost someone near and dear to you. It is totally natural that you would need to shed tears, cry and weep over your loss. If you restrain your tears, it could make you sick. Your tears need to be released.

Remember there are Five Stages of Grief that we travel through when we lose someone.

The "Replay Phenomenon" that we all tend to go through to one extent or another is our mind's natural way of processing trauma and loss. It is natural to replay in your mind the details and circumstances of any kind of trauma that changes your life. Deep in your heart you know what is true. Your mouth speaks the truth, "My cat has died." but you still don't want to believe it. You go over and over and over it in your mind because you are in the stage of denial. Your heart replays the scene for you, for the express purpose of teaching you to accept what has happened. While your heart tries to "rewire" your mind to accept and understand what has happened, your mind keeps looking for a different answer. It doesn't like the truth. Alas you keep getting the same answer; the scene always ends the same way. Every time you see it replaying, you say to yourself, "No. It cannot be true." Replay. Replay. "No." "No". Every time you argue, "No". Much of this you aren't even conscious of. You just know you feel terrible, tired, lost and confused.

The grief process includes this complex defense mechanism of the body's heart and mind. The trauma is simply too much information to process all at once. Just like when you are learning something that is complicated, you need to read it over and over until you understand it. You need to take the course again. You need to watch the video one more time to grasp the lesson. You finally learn. One day, in a time that is not predesigned, you have to admit that, "Yes" it is true. What happened is true and your loved one is gone. They aren't coming back to this place. Once you comprehend this, you can move forward with acceptance in the deepest part of your mind. 

The difficulty arises when you get stuck in the saying, "No, no, no, no..." and "No" becomes a habit. The head and the heart become disconnected. You get stuck in your head and you forget about your heart and what it knows to be true. You make what your head is saying stronger than what your heart is saying. 

Your head is not necessarily your friend. It does not tell you to forgive yourself. Your head will tend to tell you that you are guilty; that you must have done something wrong. When you are stuck in your head, you cannot access the love in your heart that is forgiveness for all (including you) and belief in the love of everything. The heart is your true strength, but your mind thinks that it is the stronger of the two. When you are stuck, the bridge between your head and your heart needs to be reconstructed.

If you are stuck in the replay groove of pain and need to join your head back with your heart, focus on your heart. Give it some attention. Treat it like a very dear friend whom you have neglected. Stop crying for just a little while. Breathe deeply. Clear your mind. Lay your hands upon your heart and feel its strength. Ask it for forgiveness. Ask it to bring you the peace of truth. Some people are in too much pain to be able to quiet their minds to do this. They may need the help of a professional or hospice counselor to get unstuck from the continual replaying of their grief.  

In the meantime, go easy on yourself. Give yourself permission to replay it a few times and then allow yourself to move ahead towards true healing. When you move ahead, you are one step closer to the Rainbow Bridge and one step closer to the one you love who resides there.   

Where are you in the Grief Process? Find Out Here.

You are managing your loss in your own unique way. Everyone is different. There is a framework, however, that was designed by the famous death expert, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Ross determined that most people typically go through a predictable series of stages of emotion and growth in their grief. After working with Kate as a hospice therapist for many years, I can say that yes, most (not all) people go through these very stages -- in their own way and in their own timeframe.  

Others have a more unique style -- they can ride the roller coaster of loss and go around and around on the merry go round, re-visiting stages repeatedly and sometimes out of order. They can be stuck forever without a guide to help them through their grief, or they can fly through the process all at once and never even realize that they grieved a loss at all.

How do you know if you are on track?  

What phase of grief are you in right now? 

Most of us have seen the "Rainbow Bridge" poem many times.  

Did you know that it can be used as an Assessment tool too? It is a very good indicator of where you are in your cycle of grief.  It applies beautifully to those who have lost a beloved pet, but it applies to all losses on the Life Stressor Scale. 

Kate is reading the poem today. She still cries at the part towards the end where pets and their people are reunited. She cries because the thought of seeing me again makes her so happy. It's so much better than it used to be because she used to cry at the first sentence because I was gone from her sight. She was devastated because in those days, in that phase, she only wanted me back. She couldn't let go. She was in (1) Denial then.

Those in the (2) Anger stage will tend to get triggered by 'all the animals who had been ill', as this is the one place in the poem that focuses on the past; on the pain and on the suffering. Grieving or not, people who are angry are typically stuck in the past. 

  

Those in the third stage of Bargaining will get an emotional jolt from 'they each miss someone very special to them'. They are still fighting the missing of their friend. They are focused on 'the dreams of days and times gone by'. If only they could have their loved one back! This person is still trying to negotiate. They can be stuck on the IF ONLY's. They will be emotional at this part of the poem because the predestined reunion is not yet clear. 

(4) Depression. When we are depressed we get stuck on 'they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind' (!). People in this stage are now totally aware that their loss is real and they feel the pain of the loss more than ever. 
This is why sometimes you think you are getting worse, but you are really getting better. If you were in an accident, your traumatized body would initially go into shock. Hours or days later you would feel the intense pain when the shock wears off. In much the same way, Denial, Anger and Bargaining keep us focused on something other than our pain. These stages keep us "safely" in our heads and out of our emotions. God designs us this way because we cannot handle all of our losses all at once.   

But look! They run and play together, the animals. They are not unhappy at all! The process of Acceptance begins the moment you draw near to your pet; when your pet spots you and you see your pet and you know your reunion is inevitable and permanent.  

The grief process is complete when 'you cross the Rainbow Bridge together'.  Crossing the bridge is a metaphor for Acceptance and completion.

Tears can flow for years and years and tears can flow forever, but there are also some people who are able to work through their grief, allowing things to be what they are with no more tears at all. There is no "right way" to grieve. There is no "wrong way" to grieve. There is only YOUR WAY.  If you have loved, you will always feel a bittersweet sentiment when you read this poem from beginning to end. 

What sentence in the poem makes your tears start to flow? 
Your answer will tell you how much further you have to go to heal.  
The further you go into the poem without tears, the more you have healed. 

If you are struggling with grief and loss issues and you see no improvement or hope for recovery, please seek out a bereavement or loss counselor to help you through it. Most community hospice organizations have a counselor or pastor available who is willing to provide such a service in the community at no charge. Godspeed your journey.

Dear Jack: Will Your Book Make Me Cry?

Dear Jack, 
Will your book make me cry?
Rhianna

Absolutely and yes Rhianna. It will make you smile and laugh and the tears may come even then. Yes, it will make you cry because my story is your story too and you can't help but connect us together when you read it.  I guarantee, however, that you will not be crying as you turn the final pages.  This is not just a book about a dog who dies at the end, Oh No.  This book is designed to bring you healing and peace and I promise your sweet tears will be worth it. 
Love,
Jack 

"It's Time You Got Over It. After All, It Was Just a Dog/Cat/Horse/Fish/Lizard/Rabbit/Gerbil/Bird/Pet"

The distress of grief is very real. Don't let anyone tell you it isn't! Just like you need to recover from an illness or a broken bone, there's a recovery period to heal the wounds of grief. Please be patient with yourself.