Letting Go Doesn't Come Naturally

All human beings struggle with letting go. You come into this world clinging to nothing and then all of sudden, Daddy's index finger hovers in front of you and you find it and curl your fingers around his. He shakes it to find that you won't let go. It is human nature that makes you do this and, look, already you are human! You learn clinging in your first moments in this brand new world. It is one of the first things you learn -- to find your mother's breast and to cling to Daddy's finger.

You gather childhood things and you turn into an adult who seeks out adult things and experiences. Time passes. Your beloved pets come and go. Your children leave an empty nest. You watch your marathon time get slower as you move into the Master's Division. Over time maybe your eyes, your ears, your taste buds go. One by one the people you love get older and leave. Each one teaches you another lesson in letting go. 

Do you see that your perennial life is designed to shift like the seasons; for everything to come and go? You are supposed to grow through the comings; through the goings. This is one of the reasons us dogs don't live as long as you do. We are gifts for you not only because we love you but because every time you say goodbye, you grow. 

It's all by Design. You will leave this planet too. By the time you do, you hopefully have learned what you need to learn. Your load is light and you are ready to fly. That final trip over the Rainbow, into Heaven or Paradise (however you define the afterlife) is what it's all about. 

Life is the school; love is the lesson.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place: Choosing Pain Over Pills

There seems to be a lot of guilt over the issues of pain pills and end of life treatments. People feel guilty if they didn't give them. People feel guilty if they did. People just feel guilty, it seems to me, no matter what they do or did. 

Every four hours she waited to give me my pain pills. I fought with her every time. She would cry as she forced them into my mouth. In our whole life together she had never had to force me to do anything I didn’t want to do.

I just didn’t want those pills. I was in pain, yes, but she didn’t know how awful those pills were for me! She kept trying to hide them in things – like cheese or bacon or yogurt or peanut butter. She thought I might not know they were in there. I didn’t even want to eat my favorite things at that point … and I sure didn’t want to eat those pills!

The last one she gave me was wrapped in a peanut butter cube. I remember how she watched the clock until 10 p.m. when she could give me the next dose. I took it. At 1 a.m. I sat up and looked her right in the eyes. I was very weak and going back and forth in consciousness. It was the first time I had sat up in many hours. She was spellbound, looking back at me, looking deep into my eyes. 

"What Jack. What is it?  Do you need something?" she asked me. I surprised her by spitting the entire peanut butter pill cube out on the floor between us. She knew then that I was serious about not wanting those pills! I lay my head back down and I crossed the Rainbow Bridge two hours later, clear thinking and unaffected by pills in my system.

I watched her after my spirit left my body. It was fascinating how she cleaned up the place! She washed all the dishes, the blankets, the floor. She had a little bowl where she had mixed the pills into yogurt. I watched her take the tip of her finger as she took a teeny tiny taste of the mixture. She recoiled. “Blech!” It was the most disgusting thing she had ever tasted. God knows I had tried to tell her.

I will be letting this memory go as soon as I finish this message to you. Like all dogs, cats and other animals, we leave such memories far behind. We are not like humans who torment themselves by dwelling on things long after the moment is gone. How is it that people can feel guilty about so many things? They deprive themselves of the sweetness of memories by embittering themselves with the guilt over a few painful moments.

To you, it all is Black and White. You are guilty or you're not. YOU'RE NOT! You're not guilty!!

Us animals, we only remember the good things. It’s the only way to be happy. In fact, when we arrive at the Rainbow we are required to shed every memory that was anything but happy. We cannot carry that kind of baggage with us. We are supposed to stay free and lightweight so we can fly like the angels we now are. The old baggage weighs us down and we must be rid of it before we come here. 

From here we often observe the ones we love, and we can only hope and pray that they will shed those memories too. They only harm and weigh heavily as they block the love that connects us. As long as guilt and shame and sadness are in the way, we cannot come together. We must be at the same level of peaceful vibration to be able to access one another. 

Please do what you can to stop thinking of the sad things and focus on the many many many amazing memories that took place in our beautiful life together. If you can do this, when the time comes, you will be able to cross over the Rainbow easily too. Please try!  In the meantime, I love you!

Getting Back on Track Is Ultimately Up To You

I know it doesn't seem this way, but pain and suffering are the choices you make. You often tend to feel victimized and paralyzed by your loss. You can feel out of control. When you finally begin to heal, you have a little more energy and clarity to choose a better thought. You know what it is like to watch your best friend suffer? Your best friend does not want to watch you suffer either. You have the power to turn it around, you really do.

Guilt. Shame. Loss. Bereavement. Loneliness. Depression.  

When you start feeling sick enough long enough about it, you will change. Loss of someone we love will make us take a good hard look at our behavior. Everything in life is preparing us for our future life Over the Rainbow too. Guilt does not exist there and none of our pets are hung up on it (or anything else for that matter), so it's about growing and learning to live our lives in love. We've been focused for so long on someone else, and it takes us awhile to learn that It's about learning to love and accept OURSELVES too.

Louise Hay 2015 Day At A Time Calendar

If you have been struggling for awhile and cannot see the way out of the dark, contact someone to help you. Surround yourself with positive people. Seek help from a counselor, therapist, minister or community agency. Most communities have a hospice program and most hospice programs offer free bereavement support to people in the community. Don't be afraid to reach out and get the help you need.

How Do We Tell The Children?

Oh Jack, 

I am terribly worried about how my children will deal with our dog Eddie's death. I'm concerned with how they will cope with it. My eldest is 7 and my youngest is 4. They both saw our Eddie's body before we buried him, so they both got to say goodbye to him. Later I read them the story of Rainbow Bridge, and they talk about it quite a lot. I think it has helped them come to terms with losing him. In fact, in some ways they seem to be coping better than I am. 

Love, Lydia

Dearest Lydia, 

Believe it or not, in the scheme of things, this is actually a great experience for your children. The people who have not experienced death directly when they were younger can be quite disabled when it happens when they are older.  It will not be long and you will see that you will all be better for having known and loved and "lost" Eddie! Eddie is giving your kids the tools they need to start building their ability to handle grief and loss in the future. It is an important tool to have in a world that brings loss the longer one lives.  

I am happy to report that most children have plenty of diversions and are endowed with a great "imagination"(well, you think it's their imagination, the "fantasy world" they seem to live in, but it's just the  memory they still retain of the world they knew before they came here).  Your kids are still young and the fact that this situation has been incorporated into the fabric of their childhood will be a positive thing for them. You handled the situation with sensitivity and care. You have done everything right.  

When human beings are born, they enter the world like us dogs do, We still have the memory of where we come from and where it's all leading (this life just teaches us and then takes us back to where we came from). Unfortunately, like us dogs, our babies cannot speak of it because they don't have language skills to do so (although many of them  cry cry cry because the world they have come from is so much sweeter and softer and more comfortable than the one they have been born into! The terrible twos, by the way, are just the final letting go as they realize that they will be staying here on earth for awhile and That's That!). 

Pets, as they grow, learn the rules from their master/owner/best friend. Children, as they grow, learn by copying the adults in their lives. Their parents and other family members and close friends are their role models. When your heart is pained because you see your young child crying, please keep this in mind. Often the underlying reason for the tears is that your child sees the adults crying and he is learning that this is the appropriate response to losing someone you love. It is more likely that he is copying or mimicking you than actually feeling the pain that causes tears.  He is learning the ropes of living life from you. The only way he knows how to live is to copy how you live.  Grieving aside, consider this in all that you do. The children are watching you all the time so that when they grow up to live their own lives they will know how to do it. 

Children can be much more resilient than adults. As time passes, however, the babies turn into toddlers, turn into children, and ultimately become adults. As they develop they get caught up in the learning of How Things Are Done Here On Earth.  This is why some of them have a very hard time in their teenage years. They still have a distant memory of the Way Things Are and yet the world around them drills into them, "No. That's not the way things work. You do it this way, not that way." They learn so much everywhere they turn -- at home--at school -- at work --- that they eventually incorporate the way they have been taught to live and they forget most of what they knew before they came here. This is why the concept of "death" is much harder to grasp when we are adults. We can't remember that Everything Is Okay, even death. The younger the child is, the more likely they are to know that their pet who has passed will be just fine. They still know that this life is just a dream. They haven’t forgotten this yet.

This planet earth is just a small part of the universal existence of life.  When our pets leave, they are returned to Paradise, Heaven, the Rainbow, ether, other plane,.. It doesn't matter what you call it; it's all the same thing. The children know this. Do not worry so about them and take care of yourselves. Let the children teach you what you need to remember.

"And a little child shall lead them." Isaiah 11:6

Love, Jack

Guilt and Shame: Stuck in the Muck

So many of you feel so guilty for "letting us down". You did not let us down.  

Kate was working with a client who was being admitted to a nursing facility. The day the family brought in their elderly mother for care was a hectic one. The woman was not safe at home and the family made the decision to have the staff at a nursing home watch her 24/7.  They thought they were doing the right thing -- and from a planning perspective, they were!  

Everyone was gathered around the nursing station, shaking and hands and making introductions. The woman was sitting in the group in a wheelchair while all this was happening. As the family was giving the nurse specific admission information, CRASH!  Down went the lady onto the tile floor! Rushed immediately to the hospital, she had broken her hip.  Even in a facility designed for prevention, accidents can happen.  It took one split second.

Look at how much guilt can occur in this situation.  Kate - for making the recommendation for a plan of "prevention".  The family for "abandoning"(this is a whole other post some day) their loved one. The staff for "allowing" it to happen. Perhaps with all this cycle of guilt the lady herself might have felt guilty for falling and creating all this guilt!  What we do, TO OURSELVES.

We can find reasons to feel guilty everywhere but it doesn't help anything. Things will be what they will be and the only thing we can do is manage our attitude and our response to what happens to us. If you continue to feel guilt and shame, it will create a wall between you and the one you love. Your guilt will leech out and taint the way you see yourself and everything around you. 

Guilt is not real, it is an illusion and it lives only in your own mind. If we meet someone else who embraces guilt too, then the game begins... you only weaken each other, trying to place the blame for your pain on someone else. It actually works for a little while! You can even play the Guilt Game with yourself.  The innocent pure part of you points the finger at the part of you that you judge to be BAD, guilty, wrong, selfish. It may sound strange, but you can actually create a "relationship" with another part of yourself. Then you focus on that instead of on the pure part of YOU. 

It is defense mechanism, guilt. It feels easier to be angry and point the blame than to feel the incredible undiluted sadness of loss. It may feel easier to point a finger, but it keeps you in Denial and delays your healing. As long as you are looking at someone else, you are not looking at yourself. If you are not looking at yourself, you cannot heal your pain.  

We can be destroyed by guilt and shame, but we are all healed by LOVE. Once you center yourself and see things more clearly, you can finally begin to heal. Instead of looking at Who's to Blame, focus on the love and focus on the fact that you did the very best you could under the circumstances.

Guilt Runs Rampant

DO YOU HAVE FEELINGS OF GUILT? YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Kate suffers from it too. In fact, most human beings do! She posted this on my support group page and it generated quite a bit of dialogue and thought:

"I keep seeing the guilt that keeps running amuck in our lives. I experienced some more of it today.  We all LOVE LOVE LOVE-ed our best friends. I loved Jack more than I loved myself! I put his needs before mine (except for my having to go to work to pay for the things we needed...and I felt guilty about that too).  He ate better than I did! Now that I have Immy and Joey, we are walking many miles each day -- morning, noon and nighttime too.  It is more than I ever walked with Jack. Today we were out on our two mile morning walk and I found myself crying again.  "Maybe," I said, "just maybe if I had walked Jack more, he'd still be here." 

We cannot beat ourselves up. I have to tell myself that if he were alive today, he might have to endure a worse fate -- like becoming old and crippled into his senior years. He never had the chance. Instead of declining for months and years, he went with dignity in a matter of days. 

Someday I hope I can look back on this -- after I have completely healed -- and know that it was perfect and By Design. We can only do what we can do."

~ Kate

"Control The Wild Horse of Your Mind"

I know it doesn't seem this way, but pain and suffering are the choices we make. We feel victimized by our loss. We feel out of control. When we finally begin to heal, we can choose a better thought. We know what it is like to watch our best friend suffer. Your best friend does not want to watch you suffer either.